Laughing Minds

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930′s and ’40′s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,  Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in  farmers’ fields.

They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, About 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet….and the  obligatory 5th sign advertising  Burma  Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual couplets:

DON’T  STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER  CAR.
BURMA  SHAVE

TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE  ENGINEER’S LAP
Burma  Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY  MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT  IT WAS
HER HUSBAND  JAKE
Burma  Shave

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED  YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE  IN IT
Burma  Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED  NEXT
IS NOT  AMUSING
Burma  Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING,  NURSE
Burma  Shave

CAUTIOUS  RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE  STEER
Burma  Shave

SPEED  WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE  SPOT
Burma  Shave

THE  MIDNIGHT  RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND  TH E CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T  IT?
Burma  Shave

NO  MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS  YOU
Burma  Shave

A  GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR  WIDE OPEN
IS NOT  THINKIN’
HE’S JUST  HOPIN’
Burma  Shave

AT  INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP  SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD  TO PLAY
Burma  Shave

BOTH  HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE  SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S  CODE
Burma  Shave

THE  ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS  THINKING
Burma  Shave

CAR  IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS  HE.
Burma  Shave

PASSING  SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR  LITTLE
SHAVERS  GROW
Burma  Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you’re merely a child.  If they do – then you’re old as dirt…  LIKE ME!

1.”Just A ‘Slower’ Walk With Thee”
2. “It Is Well With My Soul”, But My Knees Hurt
3. “Nobody Knows The Trouble I ‘Have Seeing’”
4. “Precious Lord, Take My Hand”, And Help Me Up
5. “Count Your Many ‘Birthdays’, Count Them One By One”
6. “Go Tell It On A Mountain”, But Speak Up
7. “Give Me The Old ‘Timers’ Religion”
8. “Blessed ‘Insurance’”
9. “Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah”, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked The Car

God Bless Us All Young and Old !!!

Sounds like a good theme for a western song!

The Drug Problem in America

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?

I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young:

• I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
• I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
• I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
• I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
• I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
• I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
• I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields.
• I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

~author unknown~

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!

1.  This is this cat
2.  This is is cat
3.  This is how cat
4.  This is to cat
5.  This is keep cat
6.  This is an cat
7.  This is old cat
8.  This is person cat
9.  This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can’t resist passing it on.

That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

(Read this to yourself aloud – it’s great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
——————————————————–
Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
#######################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
*************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only inTennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
=======================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.

This August, 2010 has
5 Sundays,
5 Mondays,
5 Tuesdays,
all in one month, and, it happens only once in 823 years!